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I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Condoms prevent minivans.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.