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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?