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Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
why me is me ?
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.