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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"