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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.