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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.