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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...