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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.