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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.