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I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
I like it like that
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)