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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.