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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.