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I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.