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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
My support group can outdrink your support group.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.