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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
It`s no fun if you have permission.