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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.