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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Life`s too short for Salad..............
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?