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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Well, Iām bored again. Time to open the fridge
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.