Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.