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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!