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I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.