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The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Last person to like this wins a prize.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis