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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.