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Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.