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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
This status has been censored by Facebook
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...