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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.