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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?
with great power...comes great electric bill...
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...