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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."