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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.