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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.