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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.