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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.