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If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.