Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.