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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!