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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.