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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!