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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.