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...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium