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Running on two hours of sleep Iām either way too happy or violently homicidal.
All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.