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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.