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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?