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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
There`s no WE in pizza.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.