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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.