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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.