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If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.