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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
why do i feel like you are reading this
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.