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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Running behind is my cardio.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers