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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.