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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Redneck Word : debate...i was gonna go fishin today but forgot to bring debate
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.