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This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like