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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
sleep is for people without netflix
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.