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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.