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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.