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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.