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It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.