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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.