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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.