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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
This day needs more yesterday.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.