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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.