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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"