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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...