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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!