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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.