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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
A man is as faithful as his options
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.