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Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.