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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.