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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
no..i am not drunk, floors needs hugs too ! :p
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.