Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?