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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
word of the day: nincomtard
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.