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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??